Sunday, February 24, 2008

I don't get grumpy very often but I am today

I am typically able to keep my spirits high and I don't let much bother me, but today I am grumpy. Jovanna and I went to church and then I treated her to Taco Bell (I know...Taco Bell doesn't seem like much of a treat but it is to her). And then we headed over to Kaiser to pick up one of her medications that she was out of. I had to have it today because she didn't get it last night and so she didn't go to sleep until about 11:00pm. The Kaiser Pharmacist told me the refill wasn't ready because it was only 1:00 and the refill was scheduled to be ready at 3:00. I let out a deep sigh because that meant I was going to have to wait with Jovanna there while they filled the prescription. While at the Kaiser Pharmacy, Jovanna began swinging her change purse around as hard and fast as she could standing close to other people and then she took all the money out of her change purse and put a bunch of it in her mouth. She was refusing to take it out and then when she finally did, she proceeded to begin screaming that she needed help to close the snap on the purse, now throwing herself on the floor and screaming. I was feeling my bloodpressure rise, looking towards the pharmacists and hoping they noticed what is going on and might move our prescription a little higher up the list.

Jovanna then began running around the Kaiser facility and when I would follow her she would try to get far enough away that I couldn't see her and then either hide or go around to the other side so I would have to turn back around to meet her (you getting a visual here?). At one point I didn't know where she was and all I could think about was getting her medication and out of there! I headed back to the pharmacy and tracked down someone at the counter, asked if our prescription was ready and I am sure she could see the distress on my face. She checked and said it was ready and told me I could go ahead and get in the line of people waiting for their prescriptions that were filled. I could feel the tears beginning to well up, praying I could hold it together. While in line I caught a glimpse of Jovanna by the front doors in a wheelchair trying to maneuver it around. I prayed that I could get her medication and she might just stay there where I could see her. I turned around for just a moment and then looked back and she wasn't there, but I could see a security guard moving the wheelchairs back where they were supposed to be. I decided that there was no way I was going to be able to leave if I didn't stay where I was, pay for her medications and hope that she would stay close. By the time I got to the cashier there were uncontrollable tears rolling down my cheeks. I couldn't stop them and so I just let them happen. The cashier asked if I was o.k. and I decided not to respond because I had that pit in my stomach feeling like I was going to lose it if I said a single word.

I headed to the door and asked the security guard if he knew what direction the little girl went and he directed me and when I explained that she was a special needs child and I was having a difficult time with her, he then began helping me try to find her. He said he wished he had just let her alone. I finally found her sitting on some stairs and she was refusing to come with me now. I was near at the end, tears rolling down my face in the middle of a health facility, completely embarrassed by everything and all I could think about was getting out of there.

Thankfully, she did follow me after some time and I couldn't stop the tears from rolling down my face the whole ride home. I typically don't let Jovanna see me cry and I am typically able to control my emotions but sometimes I hit the most that my mind and body can take. So, needless to say, I wound up feeling a bit grumpy the rest of the day. I am hoping that I will be able to move on if I write about what happened and how I am feeling. I hope tomorrow is an easier day.

6 comments:

Suzanne said...

Hugs to you, and tomorrow WILL be an easier day. :-)

Karen said...

Carrie, I can't imagine what you go through with a special needs child. All I can do is offer up a prayer that your days are easier so that you can save your strength for days when they're not. {hugs}

Colleen said...

Carrie, it is okay to be human and shed those tears, they are for cleansing. You have far more patience and strength than I ever could have. Hugs to you and thanks for allowing us to see your other side of your life.

Erika said...

Oh so sorry about your day. You know in life we are all presented with challenges and God would not have created tears for nothing. It is healthy to cry. It lets the emotion out of the body!!!!

Lisa Turley said...

Carrie - so sorry you & Jovanna had such a rough day. Definitely don't be ashamed of your tears. You have lots of prayers being lifted up for you & Jovanna.

Regina said...

bless your heart. It sounds like you had a really rough day. Don't be ashamed of those tears sometimes we just need a good cry and it doens't matter where we are. (((Hugs))) to you and I am keeping you and Jovanna in my prayers